Who am I?

A Faithful Testimony by Mark Bevan

Founder, First light Ministries

And Jesus Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for the building up of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ.

Ephesians 4:11 – 13

I’ve often wondered what my role is in the body of Christ. Why God put me here? I think many people see me as someone who is confident, down to earth, perhaps even a dreamer in some respects. Sometimes I come across as almost too bold in my faith, if there is such a thing.

The truth is apart from Jesus Christ, I am just a scared little boy, trying to be the man my father can be proud of. That’s been a lifelong struggle for me. All my life Satan has been telling me that I’m not good enough. That I’m not worthy to be who God says I am.

Can I tell you a secret? Those that know me well are going to laugh about this, because I’m not a man who is known to be lacking in confidence of speech. Yeah, I like to talk a lot! But you see what those people don’t understand, is that that confidence comes solely out of my relationship with Jesus. Inwardly, I am shy and introverted to the point that I will spend hours in my head trying to figure out how to have a conversation with someone. Trying to find exactly the right words to say, at exactly the right time so they can be received in the way their intended to be heard. Yeah, I over think things!

Recently, I was sitting in church listening to a wonderful sermon about believing who God says that we are. One of my greatest struggles, has been finding the words to speak to others, about whom God has said that I am, when I struggle to believe it myself.

One thing I found in my walk with the Lord, is that there are two voices speaking to me almost constantly. The voice of God, and the voice of the devil. Therein lies the battle for our soul, within our own mind. We have the choice to either agree with the truth that God says about us, or to believe the lies of the enemy. The truth is, that if we are born again, then we have the mind of Christ. Meaning we have the ability to not only hear what God says, but to then speak what God speaks.

Do you ever find it hard to make small talk? I do. For me it comes from not having the confidence to tell people who I really am. I’ll often find myself in a conversation where someone asked me “what do you do for work?” You see it throws me for a loop, because it seems like nothing in my life is uncomplicated. Perhaps I make it that way. But that brings up again the question, “who am I?” What do I really do? What is my purpose?

That’s actually a really difficult thing for me to answer, in say under two minutes… 30 minutes, and hour. Why? Because since November 2008, when I gave my life to Jesus, the Lord has constantly been rewriting the broken program that has been operating in my life since the day I was born. That’s what happens when we are born again. God takes our old program, hits the kill switch, and then reboots us with a completely revised operating system. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen overnight, as we are forced to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling in the battlefields of our mind. Until, as Paul says, we all come to the fullness of Christ.

The Holy Spirit has put on my heart, that part of the equipping of the saints, the building up of the body, involves each of us coming to the understanding of what are the different and unique parts of this body, and how do they function. Your mind knows what the function of your hand is. But just as an infant must learn to walk by stumbling, we must understand not only who we are in the body, but what other parts are needed for that body to function in the image of Christ.

In order for that to happen, the collective mind of Christ operating in the body, must be able to identify all of its parts. What does that mean for us? It means that our true nature, the program that God has written on our hearts, needs to supersede the lies of the enemy. But that means we need to be vulnerable. We must lay down the defenses which the enemy has built up around our hearts to protect us in our weakness. Our old program says “no, no, no. I’ll be exposed, people will see me. The parts of me, I been trying to hide so nobody would see them. The parts of me that I’m not proud of.”

Our true nature in God, is not defined by our strengths, but instead by our weaknesses. It is our struggles, it is in our trials and tribulations, where the Lord is made strong in us. As John the Baptist said, “He must increase, I must decrease.” Where God can be most strong in our lives, is in the same areas, where we are weakest. Because in our very weakest parts, there the love of Christ can flow through us freely, as we can relate to the weaknesses of others. Where we have gained the most freedom, is the very place where we can be the most useful in the body of Christ.

For true unity, the way God intended, to be manifest within the body of Christ, the body must work together seamlessly and freely. The word says that we are each known by our fruit. But if our tree is not producing any fruit, or if we are hiding that fruit under a basket. Then how can others know Christ in us. The only way for that fruit to be seen, and useful in the body, it is for us to share it.

So, can I share my heart with you today? Can I be vulnerable with you? That in my own weakness, Christ can be shown strong in me, that you might be lifted up?

I’ve struggled for over 12 years now, to speak the things which I’m about to say. Why because their heavy, they come from a heavy burden on my heart. I don’t want to have to place the burden on others. Just like many of you, it’s very hard for me to ask for help when I need help. That’s because the enemy spent most of my life, teaching a young vulnerable child to build walls of protection and pride around my heart. But you see that’s not who I am, that’s not who God made me to be. He had to rewrite that program so that I could be free to love and have the compassion that he sowed in my heart from before I was in my mother’s womb.

Most of my friends know me as farmer Mark. I like that, it’s simple. Oh, to be a simple goat herder! Unfortunately, it’s not quite that simple. Do I own a herd of goats, yes. Do I till the land, yes. But that’s only a small part of me. For me to say to you that I am a goat herder, is a lie by default. Not because it isn’t true, but because in reality that is such a small part of who I really am.

Most people do not know that I was not always a farmer. In fact, I don’t think I ever once even dreamed of being a farmer, until after I met Jesus. But that’s not my background, that’s an experience. Part of a long journey through the wilderness, which the Lord used to rewrite my program. Just like David and Moses, the Holy Spirit took me through a time on the backside of the desert, where he taught me one-on-one how to be a shepherd. Let me tell you, from my own personal experience, that learning to be a true shepherd is not something you can learn Bible college. That’s not to say the Bible college is an important or useful tool. If God is raising you up to be a pastor or a teacher, the Bible college may be just what is needed to equip you for the work of the ministry. On the other hand, if God is raising you up to be an Elisha, then you don’t need Bible college, you need a school of the prophets. God has the appropriate training ground prepared for each and every single person to fulfill their role in the body. For me that is meant 7+ years spent on the backside of the desert. Alone, separated from the body.

Some of my friends, have wondered where we have been. Wondered why we were not in church every week? Can I tell you, I’ve wondered that too. The truth is, that it is often difficult to walk the road which the Lord places before us.

So why, why did God place me on this path? Because the fullness of what he was asking me to do required it. Because, in his great plan, somehow somewhere the skills, the experiences, the struggles that I have walked through, are needed in the body for such a time as now. For me to deny that knowledge, is to withhold the Lord’s fruit, from being used to edify and build up the body.

So, I have a choice today. To say to you who the enemy says that I am. A nobody, someone that nobody wants to listen to. Somebody who thinks that God is given them a great calling, but in reality, they are deceived. Somebody that is never going to be anything important, because they’re afraid to speak the truth. Because they still struggle with shame and walking out the freedom from addiction daily.

Or, I can speak in the bold faith that God has given me! I can say to you that God has called me for such a time as now, and that he has spent the last 12 years (perhaps even my entire life) preparing me, for this day. For this hour of trial that we find ourselves in. Listen, I will not sugarcoat the truth. The days in which we live in are dark and they are growing darker by the moment. In 2010, Jehovah God, himself showed up in my living room, and literally turned my life upside down, with a few simple words… “Jesus is coming back soon!”

Hear me out for a minute. You can believe what you want to believe about your theology, eschatology, whatever you want call your religious understanding. But hear my heart, as I say that when God shows up in your life, in that kind of power… I’m not talking about oh Jesus said to me this or that… I’m talking about God coming so close, … I remember so vividly that moment… Wishing I could claw through the carpet and the floorboards, to distance myself from his overwhelming presence… in a moment like that, when God shows up, you can just throw your theology out the window. Your plans, your ambitions… Out the window.

Why me?

Why would God show up and say that to me? Because it was needed for such a time as now.

Today the church is facing its darkest hour. An hour of trial and tribulation. A time of testing and refining. Why? Because it is needed! Our Lord, like Jacob has been waiting, and waiting, and waiting, for the bride that he desires to have. He’s worked hard for that bride, personally I think if I was in his shoes, I believe I be tired of waiting. After all it’s been nearly 2000 years that he has been waiting patiently for his bride. Jesus is coming back, for his bride. But his bride is going to be spotless, without blemish, and radiant. She will be the perfect fullness of Christ.

Yet, before that can happen, like Esther, she must be made ready. She must come to perfection in unity of body which is the fullness of the stature of Christ. How? By you and I, seeing ourselves and each other, not as the enemy sees us, but as God says we are. Bearing the fruits of that walk, that the Lord may be glorified in us. Walking unashamed, in the unique calling which God has given us.

Understanding that calling is the place to start. Who has Jesus said that you are? If you are unsure, the place to start is learning to hear him better. Do whatever you need to do in this time, whatever it takes. To press in and hear the voice the Lord. That is the most important thing to understand right first. As you begin to hear, He will begin to reveal those plans to you.

In Matthew 16- 15:17 Jesus asked his disciples, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter answered and said, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” Jesus answered and said to him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven.

It is the Holy Spirit who reveals to us and to others who we are in Christ and in His body. It is the Holy Spirit, who grants us the confidence and the boldness to walk it out. It is the Holy Spirit, which manifests the glory of God in signs and wonders as we act out our faith with courage.

So, who am I? I’m a child of the Living God! Born not of corruptible seed but of the incorruptible seed of Christ. Am I an Apostle, prophet…an evangelist.. pastor, teacher? Yes, Yes and Amen! I am whatever the Lord needs me to be, whenever he needs me to be it, that is who I am, and that is who you are if you are willing.

Before I was a farmer, I was an investor… and entrepreneur. Business thinking kind of runs in my blood. It’s the way my mind is wired. My come to Jesus moment, came through a variety of fortunate events. Yes, I said fortunate events, that included eight foreclosures, the loss of almost $1 million in assets, an immeasurable amount of hard work, and lost time with my family that I will never be able to recover. But I say fortunate, in that God wastes nothing in our lives. He took a young boy, that was too shy to raise his hand to use the bathroom in middle school, and he gave that boy a voice! He took a man, whose sole purpose in life, was to better his own financial situation, and made him to be one that he could use to do his business… Kingdom business in the earth. He took an investor in mammon… And made him an investor in the hearts and souls of men. He took someone with an understanding of leadership, engineering, real estate, finance and farming… And used him to design and build cities of refuge.

Who God says I am.

A few months ago, I asked the Lord, “Who do I say I am when others ask?” His reply, “You are an investor son, believe it!” Today I want nothing less than to spend every waking moment, investing whatever I have to give. Whether it be my finances, my time, or my heart… Into witnessing the kingdom of God manifest in the earth as Jesus asked us to pray… Lord let thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven!

Marching Upwards

This is my quest. To follow The Lord on the adventure of a lifetime. To invest in the hearts and souls of men I meet along the path. To press forward toward the mountain of the Lord, Holy Mount Zion!

First Light Ministries